Tired

Had a wonderful time with my family over the holiday.  Of course I ate too much and was on the go for 4 days and now am feeling the effects of not getting enough rest, but it was well worth it and wouldn't of changed a thing we did.  Tomorrow chemo starts again..4 hours.  I requested a private room so that I can sleep and not have the distractions of a T.V. playing or people coming and going. 

Thank-you to a good friend who left a present at my house today....it was so very thoughtful of you and I truly appreciate your kindness.

Book

I was given a wonderful book by a dear friend that I find myself reading over and over.  It is called, "Embraced by GOD, facing chemotherapy with faith"   This mans journey thru cancer treatments and life is so similar to mine it's scary, thou I think most people who are in treatments have similar experiences.  He ends each chapter with a prayer and from time to time I'm going to post some of them.  I only wish I could take credit for them, they say exactly what and how I feel.  Since I've been up early this morning and reading this one was at the end of the chapter I finished and thought it was appropriate for today.

GOD fill my life with good friends, wonderful food, meaningful conversation, and, most of all the sound of laughter.  You are the source of all all joy, so bring more laughter into my life and allow it to piece my hard edges and find it's home deep within me.  Help me to see the humor that is present in my life.  Help me to laugh at myself.  And when I am at those low points, when laughter is just not possible, remind me that laughter will come again.  Amen                                                                                                                                     

Doctor's visit

Talking to the Dr. today I asked some really serious questions...and got some really serious answers,.  The sobering news is that my cancer is "in-curable"....but it is "treatable".  I will receiving some form of chemo for the rest of my life.  There are no plans to do surgery to remove the tumor, now or in the future.  They want it to shrink as small as it can and then hopefully the treatments will keep it in check. If they do surgery, there is the chance of some cancer cells breaking away and remaining in my abdomen , giving them the opportunity to latch onto some place else.  I'm in the 70th% of people that react favorably to the treatments I'm receiving and my Dr. is really pleased with my progress so far.  This is alot of info to process, another new phase of my life that I'm going to have to get used to, and kind of difficult to deal with now.  Hoping everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving..will write more in a few days.  Peace and Love to all..thank-you everyone for keeping me in your prayers.....................

Nothing New.....

Know I've not been posting too much lately..nothing much different happening..it's the same routine every week.Said to Bob the other day I don't know how I'm going to do this for another year. It's so frustrating for me to be so "incapacitated" and the fatigue..wow.  Finding myself taking a nap almost everyday and still going to bed by 9:00pm.  Thankfully the Dr. gave me a new sleeping pill and I've been getting a good nights sleep, still waking up around 3:30, but able to fall back asleep till at least 6:00.  This is my "off week"  no chemo or treatments..YEA!!!!! Have a appointment with the Dr. on wed to work out my next cycle of  treatments.  Looking forward to my family coming for the holiday...this year we bought a fresh 20lb turkey..sure it will be enough for 8 people.  Will post report from Dr on wed...Peace and Love to all....

Dr. Visit

Glad I went and saw my family Dr. today and got my medications straightened out.  She was very helpful in discontinuing a few and increasing the dosage of some.  Hopefully the constant, daily anxiety will slowly decrease and I will sleep thru the night with new medications.  One can only hope.  Sure am tired of waking up at 3:00am every morning!!!  Looking forward to getting thru chemo, hydration and iron and then a week off ,spending time with family coming in  from out of town for the holiday.

Drugs...

Celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary on Sunday.  Bob say's, "It seems like only yesterday"  The time has gone by pretty fast thats for sure.  We went to dinner with Abby and Dan to Mexican Village and had a nice evening out.  Trying to pace myself with jobs I want to get done around the house today before the next treatment on Wednesday.  May of done too much this morning as I found myself laying down around noon, not sleeping, just resting my tired body.  I've made an appointment tomorrow with my family Dr. to go over all the medicines that I'm taking.  Not sure if they are working against each other or not, but think I'm taking way too many drugs right now and need to get them straightened out.  Discovered a huge bruise/purple mark on my arm this morning, think it's from where I've been getting all my shots, will have the Dr. check it out too just to make sure its not anything.  Pouring rain and cold outside today, only 11 weeks till I return to Mexico and the warm sunshine!!! 

Long chemo

Spent 4 1/2 hours getting chemo on wednesday. Avastin, the new chemo took 90 mins to drip!  Came home and slept for 12 hours.  Been sleeping on and off most of the days and nights away, not feeling as well as I had hoped I would.  Trying to get up enough energy to go out to the grocery store today and get some fresh air.  So thankful for family and friends who have brought food, flowers and gifts over, it really does help.

Mentally preparing!!

I'm trying to "mentally prepare" myself for tomorrows chemo, but not having much luck!!  Thinking I will have to take my anxiety pills tonight and in the morning before heading out.  I even got the calendar out and counted out the treatments until I leave for Mexico...9..which seems like a "doable" number.  Taking all the positive karma and good thoughts that are being sent my way.  Meeting Abby at my new favorite place to eat.."The Crazy Greek"  in the morning to get some hashbrowns and toast before the 3 1/2 hours of treatment.  Hoping all goes well and I can cross one off the board  1 down..8 to go.........

The party's over...........

Time to pick myself up and get the positive attitude back.  Thanks everyone for your understanding that I really didn't want to talk much these past few days.  A big hug to my mom and aunt for just stopping by and bringing me a box of chocolate covered strawberries..which I sat down and ate them all!  I start chemo again on Wednesday, same two, carbo and gemzar and another new one that I can't remember the name of. Hoping I can get a better grip on it, and the nausea stays away.  Going to dinner with girlfriends tonight, Sagebrush Cantina..yummy mexican...thinking I may even have a margarita!!!   Again, thank-you everyone for your kind words, cards and prayers.

Sorry for myself..............

So I've had a 2 day pity party and cry fest for myself.  Thinking I'll drag it out thru the week-end then pick myself up and start fighting again.  I've turned off my phone, but have listened to the messages you are leaving.  I just can't talk about  "IT" without breaking down and I don't want to be crying on the phone with you.  I promise I will return your phone calls and messages.  I'm very thankful that the tumor hasn't gotten bigger or moved to another place, I had just hoped that it would of gotten alittle smaller and possibly had been able to have surgery, 6 months of chemo then be done with it.   Anyway I'm doing ok, hanging around the house in my pjs reading US Weekly magazines and feeling sorry for myself, but like I said ,I will bounce back and start fighting even harder.  Thanks for all your encouragement and kind words and prayers.   Peace & Love    Marcia

Not what I wanted to hear..........

The appointment with my oncologist went "ok" today, thou I was hoping for better news.  My tumor has only shrunk 15%..not enough for surgery to be considered at this time.  My CA-125 is 10.2..it has reached a plateau the last few months.  In short, I will keep on the same chemo treatment schedule...2 weeks on..1 week off..indefinite for now with another cat scan in March/April to see if and how much the tumor has shrunk, and if then maybe surgery.  Had to get 2 shots today because my platelets/red blood cells are way down and I'm so tired.  Months more of chemo and going to the center 3 days a week is making my head spin right now. The Dr. is going to try and adjust my chemo so that I'm not getting so sick, but also have a fluid pocket around the tumor which isn't helping.  Seriously depressed right now....................................

Are you kidding me!!!!!!!

Again I'm up in the middle of the night after a few hours of sleep. The Dr. did prescribe ambien for me to take to sleep, but I haven't been taking it in awhile...thou I think I may have to start taking it again.  Being awake in the middle of the night in a quiet house is not good....my anxiety and fear take over and it's hard to "quiet" the demons in my head.  I had my cat scan yesterday.  Sometime during the night I got up and went downstairs and fell asleep in the chair.  Next thing I know, Bob is shaking me, calling my name and telling me it is 7:45....and that I've got to get up.  Are you kidding me!!!  I have to have BOTH bottles of barium drank by 8:00 and leave for the hospital at 8:15!!!  He had just gotten up and realized he didn't hear me downstairs and found me sound asleep.  I'm not one to move really quick in the morning, but I managed to drink 1 1/2 bottles and get dressed and out the door.  In one way it was nice because I didn't have time to think about it, I just had to do it.  Of course once at the hospital they wanted me to drink MORE barium, but since I've been doing this for YEARS, I knew I had plenty in me to get a good picture.  After I enjoyed a wonderful breakfast with Abby and Beth and later in the day visited with the little one I used to babysit.  Day off from all DR.S tomorrow..a day to do what I want..which is probably sleep since I'm up all night!!  Peace.....