Crap

I hesitate to even write on my blog today.  However, since I started it to keep family & friends up to date on my health and to use it as a sounding board, here goes.  It has to be one and continues to be one of my worst weeks ever.  Chemo on Tuesday was un-eventful, nothing out of the ordinary.  I woke up Wednesday morning and have had a feeling of frustration and dread all week.  In and out of bed with no ambition to do anything, having terrible stomach pains and of course thinking the worst, since the pains are on the left side!  I feel like I'm "stuck" in a big rut and can't move in any direction.  My last CA-125 was 10.8...up a few points from last month, which adds to the anxiety, thou the Dr. says it's nothing to worry about, it happens.  However, I was happy that it was down in the 7's a month or so ago. ( anything under 30 is considered ok).  I also have gone off all anti-depressants, as they didn't seem to be working anymore and the Dr. told me that the chemo sometimes "cancels them out".    Maybe it's all starting to catch up with me.  It will be a year next month that I was re-diagnosed and the constant barrage of chemo and treatments on my body are beginning to show.  Dr.Fata wants me to continue with chemo thru September, when I'm scheduled for my cat scan to see if and how much more the tumor has shrunk.  I really thought I had it in me to fight and get thru these last few treatments, but am not sure I can do it.  It seems like all I'm doing is sleeping, sitting and starring off into space most of the time.  I'm not "giving up", I just think that it's time to" re-evaluate" my treatment plan, maybe take some time off of treatment and get my head and body back into the game of doing what I like and want to do, and not constantly be going to the Dr.s.  I'm scheduled for chemo tomorrow and have my next appointment with the Dr. next week.  So, that has been my week..like I said not a good one, but I'm trying to stay positive, not frustrated and keep the tears to a minimum.  I haven't sat and cried like this in along time....maybe I was due!  I appreciate all the words of comfort and strength that you have been sending me...Jenny, you are an angel on earth, to not know how down I was and to show up at the door with carrot cake cupcakes!!  Here's hoping to much better tomorrows..Peace & Love